Breaking: Joel Osteen Behaves Like An Average Multi-Millionaire

Last week I was reintroduced to this man named Joel Osteen. I say reintroduced because my prior knowledge of him was just a generic white man with even whiter teeth and flawless, minimal plastic surgery, smiling on the cover of some books. Books titled exceptionally basic shit like, “Your Best Self” or “Reaching Your Dreams” or “Becoming You Now.” I think. I guessing those are titles. I only recall them sounding like the vaguely positive status updates of a white girl you smoke weed for the first and is learning to love herself until the high wears off.

Oh my fucking god... y'all can't be serious.

I Had NO Clue This Man Was A Pastor Until This Week

The moment I found out about his church I was shocked and filled with pride. Black pride. I had NO idea white people also had an ain’t shit pastor. I figured with Creflo Dollar, TD Jakes, and Eddie Long (I forgot he was dead… *sad face*) we had the trifling dudes preaching game on lock. It’s good to see their gentrifying everything. PLEASE tell me they have more! That shit is beautiful! 💜

What I don’t understand is the outrage over his church not welcoming hurricane victims. He’s a millionaire.

Millionaires Don’t Give A Fuck

I get he’s a pastor and all BUT he’s a multi-millionaire. You don’t become that rich and selflessly give out fucks. You know how to become a rich pastor? Simple. Put money before God. Do you think someone can afford a 10 million dollar home if they weren’t able to stomach seeing impoverished children starve on the streets everyday? This man has a tax free business and won’t take any action that will diminish his net worth. If he does ANY good for the community you need to realize it’s because there’s a tax write off involved.

He can’t protect his assets by giving a fuck. Joel could be driving around with a truck full of fucks and he wouldn’t spare even half a fuck. If you were hanging off a cliff and screaming for help and Joel drove by with his 57 metric fucks in the back of his truck you’d lock eyes with each other. Joel would stare directly into your pleading tear filled eyes and you’d look back into his unnaturally perfect face and see nothing. His eyes will lead to the empty abyss that should contain a soul. Beautiful fluorescent white teeth will glisten from the sun reflected off your tears as he gains beauty from your panic. The moment will be brief, however, it will feel like an eternity… because you’re trying to not die. The only thing you need to save your life is for Joel Osteen to give a fuck, just one singular fuck. He may pray for you, he might keep going, or he could potentially offer you some encouraging words. I can’t tell you what he will do but I can tell you what he will NOT do…

Joel Osteen will👏not👏give👏a👏fuck.👏

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