You gave her your mom’s collard greens recipe but instead she using kale. She’s gonna boil it in water with just a little garlic because salt is unhealthy. Oh you like chips? Fuck you they have salt i n those too. Bacon? Nah, fam. Granola and hiking is all the breakfast you need. She won’t let you in the kitchen because she caught you putting butter and cheese in the grits once. You can’t buy groceries unsupervised because you brought home fried jalapenos that one time.
She’ll have you living a smooth 90 year life with the energy of a man half your age and wishing you weren’t so damn healthy. Your life has been full of bland food and too many damn tacos (something no one thought was possible) but you can’t even rely on your family’s history of diabetes to take you out of your misery because you haven’t had sugar in 40 years.
Live long and prosper, king.
Disclaimer: This article does not apply to Mexican women in the west coast.